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Jokes, Folks!

One of the best ways to study English is through jokes. Stories can be long and complicated, and by the time you get to the end, you realize that you missed some crucial element in the very beginning, so the whole book doesn't make any sense. With a joke, however, you read a couple of lines and either you get it or you don't.

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A man walks into a bar ... says, "Ow!"

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse."

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer and a blond walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?"

A professor walks into a bar and orders a double martinous. The bartender says, "you mean a double martini?" The professor says, "If I want more than one I'll ask for it."

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

A man tried to pay for a drink with a $5 bill. The bartender says "you can't use that here." The man says "Why not?" The bartender says "because this is a singles bar."

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He lifts the dog up and swings him around over his head by the tail. The bartender says "Hey, man! What are you doing?" He says, "Oh, I'm just looking around."

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but it's uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."

A man walks out of a bar and meets a policeman. "Hey," the policeman says, "your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking Bloody Mary's?" "Well," the man says, "your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."?The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"?"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out."?"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"?"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.?"Listen, pal..." says the bartender.?"Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?"?"Ruff!" exclaims the dog.?"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender.?"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"?"Ruth!" barked the dog.?"Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street.?Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"

There was this duck, who walked into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I don't have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed. So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer. The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!" The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?" The bartender says "No." So the duck says "Got any grapes?"

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life. They figured, what the heck, why not go to college to get ahead? They hopped in a pickup and drove to the nearest college. After wandering around for a while, the two rednecks finally found a bunch of offices and some official-looking folks. While the second guy waited out in the hall, the first went into an office and found a professor who advised him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked the first redneck. The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?"?”I sure do," grinned the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. ”That's real good," the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted "Amazin'!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (The redneck was starting to catch on.) "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class." The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was waiting patiently.?"So what classes are ya takin'?" the friend asked. "Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his new friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya?

 
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